Jerry Seinfeld on How to Write a Joke →
nytimes.com
The comedian describes the anatomy of his Pop-Tart joke, still a work in progress, and shows his longhand writing process.
December 2012
7 posts
Rental Cars
- JERRY: "I hate rental cars. Nothin' ever works: the window doesn't work, the radio doesn't work... and it smells like a cheap hooker. [pause] Or is that you?"
- ELAINE: "Gimme ten bucks and find out."
On Revenge
- JERRY: "What is the point of all this?"
- GEORGE: "Revenge."
- JERRY: "You know, the best revenge is living well."
- GEORGE: "There's no chance of that."
A Mickey Source
- GEORGE: "I'm gonna slip him a mickey."
- JERRY: "What, in his drink? Are you out of your mind? What are you Peter Lorrie?"
- GEORGE: "You don't understand, he's having this party, he's been planning it for months. This is going to destroy the whole thing!"
- JERRY: "What if you destroy him?"
- GEORGE: "No, no, no, don't worry, I researched it. It's perfectly safe. He'll get a little woozy...he might keel over."
- JERRY: "What does that do, big deal."
- GEORGE: "This is what they would do in the movies. It's the beautiful thing, it's like a movie. I'm gonna slip him a mickey!"
- JERRY: "You've really gone mental. Where are you gonna get this mickey? I can't believe I'm SAYING mickey."
Puddy FTW
- JERRY: "Have you noticed your boyfriend has developed an annoying little habit?"
- ELAINE: "The squinting?"
- JERRY: "No."
- ELAINE: "The staring?"
- JERRY: "No."
It's a Breeze
- GEORGE: "So Whatley's still Jewish?"
- JERRY: "Sure. Without the parents, it's a breeze."
“You know if you take everything I’ve accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day…it looks decent!”
—George Costanza (Seinfeld - The Muffin Tops)
November 2012
7 posts
Man Fur
- JERRY: "So Puddy wears a man fur?"
- ELAINE: "He was struttin around the coffee shop like Stein Erickson."
- JERRY: "And of course, you find fur morally reprehensible."
- ELAINE: "Eh, anti-fur. Who has the energy anymore. This is more about hanging off the arm of an idiot."
The Hitler Stuff
- JERRY: "What's going on?"
- GEORGE: "Siege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. They've downgraded me to some kind of a bunker. I'm like Hitler's last days, here."
- JERRY: "So are you going to leave?"
- GEORGE: "Oh, no. I'm invigorated! They'll never get me out. I'm like a weed, Jerry."
- JERRY: "I thought you're like Hitler in the bunker?"
- GEORGE: "I'm a weed in Hitler's bunker."
- JERRY: "I'm getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff."
Involved
- JERRY: "What do you mean, involved?"
- KRAMER: "Well I ran out onto the court and threw a hotdog at Reggie Miller. Involved. Then they threw me, Reggie, and Spike out of the game."
- ELAINE: "So, that's it?"
- KRAMER: "Well I felt pretty bad about the everything. Then the three of us, we went to a strip club."
Sweatshop Eggs
- KRAMER: "Kurt, taste these eggs."
- KURT: "Uh, no. I only eat cage free, farm fresh."
- KRAMER: "Yes. These are sweatshop eggs!"
“People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.”
—Jerry Seinfeld (Seinfeld)
October 2012
16 posts
I'll Give Him That
- JERRY: "Newman! He's going with Newman!"
- GEORGE: "How does Whatley even know Newman?"
- JERRY: "Newman's his mailman."
- GEORGE: "Who goes to the Superbowl with their mailman?"
- JERRY: "Who goes anywhere with Newman?"
- GEORGE: "Well...he's merry."
- JERRY: "He is merry. I'll give him that."
The Glitteratti
- KRAMER: "You're dating this woman?"
- GEORGE: "Yeah."
- KRAMER: "Ooh, George. You're becoming one of the glitteratti."
- GEORGE: "What's that?"
- KRAMER: "...people who glitter."
Off With Their Heads
- ELAINE: "I'll tell you what, could you tape the rest of the pig men and the women who love them conversation and I'll listen to it the next time I'm here. I gotta go find a moyle."
- KRAMER: "You know, Elaine, you should call that off. It's a barbaric ritual!"
- ELAINE: "Maybe one day, when the pig men roam free it'll be stopped, Kramer. Until then...off with their heads."
“I mean sex is great, but you really don’t want to think that your whole life began because somebody maybe had a little too much wine with dinner.”
—Jerry Seinfeld (Seinfeld - The Contest)
I Need Your Virgin
- ELAINE: "I got served with papers today. Ping is suing me! And listen, I need your virgin as a witness so you'd better be nice to her."
- JERRY: "I was trying to be."
Alright, Biff
- JERRY: "So what do you say? Ride the cyclone? Hot dog at Nathan's on me?"
- GEORGE: "Who are you, Satan? I've got an interview, I'm close to a job here."
- JERRY: "Alright, Biff."
