May 2012
11 posts
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It Means He's Lying
ELAINE: "Let me ask you something. When you're with a guy and he says he has to get up early, what does that mean?"
JERRY: "It means he's lying."
4 tags
“I’m not going along. I can see you in Berlin in 1939, goose stepping past...”
– Jerry Seinfeld (to George Costanza)
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Meanwhile...
KRAMER: "I saw this show one time about people who are terminally ill. Every one of them believed that the secret to life is just to live every moment."
GEORGE: "Meanwhile I'm here with you in a parking garage in Jersey."
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Fish
GEORGE: "At least you accomplished something. You got fish."
JERRY: "Oh yeah, fish. Big accomplishment.
GEORGE: "Yeah, fish. What do they do?"
ELAINE: "What do you do?"
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This is a Person I Like
KRAMER: (points to extra mattress) Is this for that woman? Why even give her an option!?"
JERRY: "This is a person I like. It's not 'how to score on spring break.'"
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No.
GEORGE: (interviewing a kid for the Susan Ross Foundation scholarship) "If you were an animal, what would you be?"
KID: "I don't know. A frog?"
GEORGE: "No. Frog is wrong."
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I Saw Your Act
MARLENE: "Well, I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night."
JERRY: "Tuesday night, what happened Tuesday night?"
MARLENE: "I saw your act. To be honest, it just didn't make it for me. It was just so much fluff."
JERRY: "So what are you saying, you didn't like my act so that's it?"
MARLENE: "I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do."
JERRY: "You're a cashier!"
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People
KRAMER: "I don't understand people. I mean, why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me?"
JERRY: "It's partially you, yeah."
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Puddy
GEORGE: "By the way, how did Puddy get back in the picture?"
ELAINE: "I needed to move a bureau."
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A Couple of White People
DARREL: "So we're just...a couple of white people?"
ELAINE: "I guess."
DARREL: "Do you want to go to The Gap?"
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And I Laughed And I Laughed
ELAINE: "Where did the Rosses get the idea you had a place in the Hamptons?"
GEORGE: "...I told them I had a place in the Hamptons. Why, what did you say?"
ELAINE: "I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed."
April 2012
10 posts
3 tags
That's Because You're An Idiot
GEORGE: "You know, all these years, I've always wanted to see the two of you get back together."
ELAINE: "Well that's because you're an idiot."
1 tag
“George, letting my emotions out is the best thing that’s ever happened to...”
– Jerry Seinfeld (Seinfeld - The Serenity Now)
3 tags
“You a single man, George? I’ll tell you, if you wanna get something wild...”
– George Steinbrenner (Seinfeld - The Hot Tub)
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“The snooze alarm is based on the idea that when it goes off, you’re not...”
– Jerry Seinfeld (Seinfeld - The Wink)
4 tags
Like North Dakota
GEORGE: There's got to be houses for rent in Tuscany. Do you know how big Tuscany is?
JERRY: I have no idea.
GEORGE: It it's huge. It's probably like North Dakota.
JERRY: Oh, no way it's that big.
GEORGE: It's a big region.
JERRY: Do you know how big North Dakota is stupid?
GEORGE: I don't know why I bother even talking to you.
JERRY: Hey, no one's got a gun to your head.
3 tags
Of Course
JERRY: You know, Schumann went mad from that.
GEORGE: Artie Schumann? From Camp Hatchapee?
JERRY: No, you idiot.
GEORGE: What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling me an idiot for?
JERRY: You don't know Rober Schumann? The composer?
GEORGE: Oh, Schumann. Of course.
3 tags
Name One
George: "You know there are a lot of women who would love to be in your position right now."
Susan: "...name one."
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“I’m sure Jon Voight just misspelled his own name. I know sometimes I spell...”
– Jerry Seinfeld (Seinfeld - The Mom and Pop Store)
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“What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something. If...”
– George Costanza (Seinfeld - The Mom and Pop Store)
March 2012
20 posts
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Seinfeld - "The Bris"
Elaine: No, it's fascinating, could you do me a favor, could you tape the rest of the pigmen and the women who love them discussion and I'll listen to it next time I'm here. I've got to find a Mohel.
Kramer: You should call this off, Elaine. It's a barbaric ritual.
Elaine: Perhaps one day when the pigmen roam free it will be stopped. Until then, off with their heads.
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“Oh, yeah? So what am I supposed to do, be more like you? All sealed up in here,...”
– Kramer (Seinfeld - The Maid)
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The Prince of Darkness
JERRY: "What do you care, you don't believe in hell."
ELAINE: "I know, but he does."
JERRY: "So it's more a relationship problem than a final destination of your soul issue?"
ELAINE: "Well, relationships are very important to me."
JERRY: "Hmm. Maybe you can strike one up with the Prince of Darkness as you burn for all eternity."
4 tags
They?
KRAMER: "Well, I got gonorrhea.'
ELAINE: "That sounds about right."
KRAMER: "THAT'S what they gave me!"
GEORGE: "They? ...the government?"
2 tags
Since the Last One
ELAINE: "How long have you two been together?"
JERRY: "I don't know. Since the last one."
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Ziggy Bedsheets
JERRY: "You ripped off a Ziggy?"
ELAINE: "It must have seeped into my subconscious. Puddy has Ziggy bedsheets."
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“The female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian, it’s for...”
– Elaine (Seinfeld - The Apology)
2 tags
Birthdays
GEORGE: "Birthday's a bad day. Everyone's in your house, you're thinking *these* are my friends...?"
JERRY: "Every day is my birthday."
February 2012
17 posts
3 tags
“Perhaps he thinks that you’re working him for the discount. Shaking that...”
– Kramer (Seinfeld - The Wig Master)
2 tags
“I’m telling you right now, that guy’s going to dangle that dress in...”
– Jerry (Seinfeld - The Wig Master)
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Well, Babe Ruth Did It
KRAMER: "Mr. O'Neill?"
O'NEILL: "Yeah?"
KRAMER: "Yeah, uh, look, you don't know me."
O'NEILL: "I can give you an autograph, but my pen's kind of screwed up and you'd probably only get like half a "P" or something."
KRAMER: "No, it's uh, not that see,. It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits."
O'NEILL: "Sure, I could help you there."
KRAMER: "Well I promised you would hit him two home runs today."
O'NEILL: "Say what?"
KRAMER: "You know. A couple of dingers."
O'NEILL: "You promised a kid in the hospital that I'D hit two home runs?"
KRAMER: "Yeah, what, no good?"
O'NEILL: "Yeah that's no good. It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard to hit home runs! And where the heck did you get two from?"
KRAMER: "Well, two is better than one."
O'NEILL: "That, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home run hitter!"
KRAMER: "Well, Babe Ruth did it."
O'NEILL: "He did not."
KRAMER: "Oh, so you're saying that Babe Ruth is a liar?"
O'NEILL: "I'm not calling him a liar but he wasn't stupid enough to promise two."
KRAMER: "Well, maybe I did overextend myself."
O'NEILL: "How the heck did you get in here anyway?"
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“Well I don’t see any pigmen. Look… human, human, human. Wait a minute!!! Oh,...”
– Jerry - Seinfeld “The Bris” (via wrennmusic)