February 2012
17 posts
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“Perhaps he thinks that you’re working him for the discount. Shaking that...”
– Kramer (Seinfeld - The Wig Master)
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“I’m telling you right now, that guy’s going to dangle that dress in...”
– Jerry (Seinfeld - The Wig Master)
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Well, Babe Ruth Did It
KRAMER: "Mr. O'Neill?"
O'NEILL: "Yeah?"
KRAMER: "Yeah, uh, look, you don't know me."
O'NEILL: "I can give you an autograph, but my pen's kind of screwed up and you'd probably only get like half a "P" or something."
KRAMER: "No, it's uh, not that see,. It's about a little boy in a hospital. I was wondering if you could do something to lift his spirits."
O'NEILL: "Sure, I could help you there."
KRAMER: "Well I promised you would hit him two home runs today."
O'NEILL: "Say what?"
KRAMER: "You know. A couple of dingers."
O'NEILL: "You promised a kid in the hospital that I'D hit two home runs?"
KRAMER: "Yeah, what, no good?"
O'NEILL: "Yeah that's no good. It's terrible. You don't hit home runs like that. It's hard to hit home runs! And where the heck did you get two from?"
KRAMER: "Well, two is better than one."
O'NEILL: "That, that's ridiculous. I'm not a home run hitter!"
KRAMER: "Well, Babe Ruth did it."
O'NEILL: "He did not."
KRAMER: "Oh, so you're saying that Babe Ruth is a liar?"
O'NEILL: "I'm not calling him a liar but he wasn't stupid enough to promise two."
KRAMER: "Well, maybe I did overextend myself."
O'NEILL: "How the heck did you get in here anyway?"
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“Well I don’t see any pigmen. Look… human, human, human. Wait a minute!!! Oh,...”
– Jerry - Seinfeld “The Bris” (via wrennmusic)
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I Like Policemen
Kramer: "I like cops. When I was little I wanted to be a policeman."
Cop: "Yeah, so why didn't you?"
Kramer: "Well I'm scared of being shot."
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“You go out with a guy one time, you ask him to go upstairs like you’re Mae...”
– Jerry Seinfeld (Seinfeld - The Label Maker)
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He is Merry
Jerry: "Newman. He's going with Newman."
George: "How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?"
Jerry: "Newman's his mailman."
George: "Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?!"
Jerry: "Who goes *anywhere* with Newman?!"
George: "Well, he's merry."
Jerry: "He is merry, I'll give him that."
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You're Not a Little Anything
Jerry: "What do you want?"
Newman: "Nothing, just being neighborly. Do you wanna hang out? Shoot the breeze?"
Jerry: "I'm not letting you cheat, Newman. You're not getting anywhere near that board."
Newman: " Jerry, I'm a little insulted."
Jerry: "You're not a little anything, Newman."
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“Oh, it’s Risk. It’s a game of world domination being played by two...”
– Jerry Seinfeld (Seinfeld - The Label Maker)
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Sensitive Issues
MICKEY: "I knew that Commie stuff was going to get us in trouble."
KRAMER: "Yeah, well I didn't realize that was such a sensitive issue."
MICKEY: "Communism? You didn't realize Communism was a sensitive issue? What do you think has been going on in the world for the past 60 years? Wake up and smell the coffee."
KRAMER: "I guess I screwed up!"
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“Santa is not a Commie. He just forgot how his good friend stuck his neck out for...”
– - Mickey (Seinfeld - The Race)
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Of Course I'm Concerned
George: "As soon as we get done eating, she's running for the bathroom."
Elaine: "So you're concerned?"
George: "Elaine, of course I'm concerned. I'm paying for those meals!"
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“It’s like I’m Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang, and...”
– George Costanza (Seinfeld - The Hamptons)
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She's Deranged
Kramer: "Hey Elaine. Did you hear? Toby got the promotion!"
Elaine: "Yes I heard, Kramer. I work there, remember?"
Kramer: "You know, through this whole thing, she always kept a smile on her face."
Elaine: "Of course. She's deranged."
January 2012
22 posts
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The Burning
Elaine: "Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations."
George: "I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip."
Elaine: "So you think Puddy actually believes in something?"
Jerry: "It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets."
Elaine: "Yes, he is lazy."
Jerry: "Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons."
Elaine: "Yes, he is dumb."
Jerry: "So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?"
Elaine: "Dumb and lazy, I understand."
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You Can Stuff Your Sorrys in a Sack, Mister!
Sorry I’ve been a bit of an absent Seinfeld fan. I will return post-Australian Open, which is eating my spare time in the best possible way.
You can expect a similar lack of posts during the French Open, Wimbledon, and the US Open.
Also during ComicCon
In the meantime, since I’m here, enjoy some gifs.
“You’re sooooo good lookin.”
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A Fine Idea
ELAINE: "What if I got my nose pierced? That would be pretty freaky."
JERRY: "Yes. I think it's a fine idea. Well, goodnight."
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“Alright, let me finish my coffee. Then we’ll go watch them slice this fat...”
– Jerry Seinfeld (Seinfeld, “The Junior Mint”)
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We Have To
DOCTOR: I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.
KRAMER: Yeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?
DOCTOR: Are you asking because you saw "20/20" last night?
KRAMER: I sure am.
DOCTOR: Well that report was about *one* very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor in your friend's procedure.
KRAMER: But you *will* use... a retractor.
DOCTOR: We have to.
KRAMER: Mmm-hmm...
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Seinfeld - "The Revenge"
Jerry: What's with you?
Kramer: He jumped.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: Yeah. Newman jumped.
Jerry: Did he call you last night?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Jerry: What did you say?
Kramer: I said " Wave to me when you pass my window."
December 2011
52 posts
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What Color Is It?
JERRY: What is that bubbling sound? Are you making your tomato sauce?
KRAMER: Hot and spicy.
JERRY: (accusing) You're not wearing a shirt, are you?
KRAMER: Yes I am.
JERRY: What color is it?
KRAMER: (pause) Damn it!
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Did They Make It Longer?
ELAINE: (surprise) Hey, what're you guys doing here?
LISA: We just saw "The English Patient" again.
GAIL: It's even better the second time.
ELAINE: They make it longer?
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“Jerry: “Ah, you’re crazy.”
Kramer: “Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew...”
– Seinfeld, “The Stall” (via theartofnotwriting)
Kramer’s facial expressions in this scene are priceless.
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That Doesn't Work
WAITRESS: Rough night?
ELAINE: Ugh. You wouldn't believe it. My boyfriend dumped me. My friends, who I don't even like, they won't talk to me. All because I don't like that stupid English Patient movie.
WAITRESS: Really? I thought it was pretty good.
ELAINE: Oh, come on. Good? What was good about it? (scoffs) Those sex scenes! I mean, please! Gimme something I can use!
WAITRESS: Well, I liked it.
ELAINE: (calling after) Hey. You forgot about my piece of pie. Hello? You know, sex in a tub. That doesn't work!
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CIGARS
Jerry: "They're real Cubans? Human beings from Cuba?"
Kramer: "Well what did you think I meant?"
Jerry: "CIGARS."
Kramer: "Jerry, Cuban cigars are illegal in our country."
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Four Seconds of Bliss
George: "I'm at the coffee shop and this beautiful woman, who I could never even talk to, mistakes me for her boyfriend."
Jerry: "That's a nice four seconds."